Today is my 21st birthday. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, I mean used to it was a day I really looked forward to because it was a very "adult age" to me but now..now I just feel a bit like "well...ok...21..hmm..whoo hoo?" I mean with everything that's going on in my head and life I just don't know how else to feel sometimes. If you'd have told me ten years ago that I'd be who I am by the age of 21 I think I'd probably sit down at cry. I mean don't get me wrong, I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, the most incredible boyfriend a girl could ever hope for, and I have a best friend who is there for me no matter what. The only problem? Me. I'm the problem. I'm the freak in the equation. That has to somehow change though. I have to do something about it. This blog is to keep track of my life and hopefully log my recovery and journey to finding my "normal" self so that I too belong in the equation that makes up my life.
My birthday was really nice other than the fact I lied when I promised I hadn't made myself purge any today. I had snuck and purged it all up and used foundation to cover up the red marks on my right hand. I then managed to pass out twice tonight, scaring my family, and falling down the stairs. I guess that's what lying gets you. I had a Beatles birthday cake..I ate three microscopic bites then went upstairs.
Sad thing is that I'd promised myself as well that I would just allow myself to enjoy this day, it's my birthday for crying out loud. I'm just so afraid of gaining now that I've hit a new low weight. I mean I've worked so hard..but then again it's not really work because I don't even remember how to be any other way than this. It's like breathing..it's like an every day normal thing. It's so far from that though.
My boyfriend has told me that it's time I got help to stop my eating problem and cutting so that he and I can grow old together. We are planning on marrying this year hopefully and then planning on having a baby. He's so supportive and loving. He really does complete me in every possible way. Without him I know I'd die. I know people say this all the time.."oh I'd just die without him/her." Damnit though, I would. Love is far too precious to live without. I just have to convince myself that I have to get better in order to keep the love of my life. He loved me 60 lbs ago! Shit..why can't I have loved me? Anyway..I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry and I'm sorry if it's not the most exciting of reading material.
This is me..this is my life..this is my attempt at finding who I was supposed to be before I got lost somewhere between then and now.
Love&Peace
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